28.01.2009 | Back home

I know I haven't finished writing about the last week yet.
And that week was really cool.
It's just that something happened today that's really more important than that.
I flew back home.
I actually did.
My 5 months of exchange to England are officially over.
And I can't believe it.

This morning, I sat in "Costa"'s with Bev & Dan (and partly Kim & Nicole )
I can't believe it was this morning, it already seems so far away!
And then we almost ran late and in the end saying goodbye was in such a hurry...
But maybe it was better that way? I don't know.
I realised that I was actually going when we came closer to Southampton and I could see the little plane on the signs.
When I first saw it, I almost jumped.
(I guess I absolutely embarassed myself in front of that driver, but never mind)
I couldn't believe it (guess I said that a couple of times now) and all I thought that moment was: "No. Not yet."
But that didn't help.
I ended up checking in at the airport and then waiting around for my plane to arrive.
During parts of that time, I was honestly shaking.
And I love to quote Yellowcard again: "I am afraid right now.."
That was what I was thinking at that point.

I got into the departure area and then they announced that my plane would be delayed. Just 15 minutes though.
And while I heard that, I had some great people on the phone as well.
That absolutely calmed me, by the way.
Though it made it harder to go as well.
When I spoke to Bev the second time, they announced that my plane was now ready and that passengers should get ready for boarding.
Everything then happened really quickly and suddenly I sat in that window seat of this departing plane.
And again I though: "No, not yet."
Thinking about earlier conversations didn't really help changing my mind then.

The flight was okay, though it seemed shorter than almost 2 hours.
And when I arrived in Frankfurt...I guess I'll never forget that picture.
We were over the clouds, where everything was dark and foggy.
Then we sank down, into the clouds, and after that, under the clouds.
And suddenly everything beneath us was lit up. It was Frankfurt, at night.
And I think it was one of the most beautiful things I've ever seen.
In that moment, I had to keep myself from screaming. It was just like a wave of excitement and happyness hitting me.
But still, whilst we were landing, I thought: "Somehow I love being here. But somehow I think I shouldn't. It doesn't feel right."

And when I got into the airport - everything was German!
Actually, I hated it. And I refused to talk German to anyone - call me childish. XD
Meeting my family again was great though - and my dooog!
I think he was a little confused though - bless him.
We drove back home and I couldn't believe that I had been away for 5 months. Almost everything looked the same, as if I hadn't been away at all!
We drove up our street and my parents opened the garage - and everyone was there.
I was...shocked.
Honestly, for a second I guess I stopped breathing.
I couldn't believe that all these people were actually there!
For the first few moments, after hugging all of them, I just stood in front of them, unable to look at any of them, and just trying to realize what was happening there.
But it was great to have them there and after a while I just felt like I'd never left them and I didn't want them to leave at all.

Still, I have to say, in some silent moments - I thought about England.
I thought about sitting in "Costa"'s this very morning, with people that still seemed close, but so far away already at the same time.
And it felt horrible somehow.
It was really weird. I looked at the people and loved being back and with them.
I glanced down and wanted to go back.
Absolutely confusing, I tell you!

But I think I'll get on.
Being in my room again still feels weird.
Because of all the stuff that's already in there.
When I first came back and looked at my pin board, I almost started crying.
It just overwhelmed me.
All the time before, I wouldn't have said that I'd changed.
But looking at all these flyers of concerts we went to and all the stuff that meant so much to me when I left -
it felt like looking back on an old life.
And to be honest, none of these things still means to me what they did before.
So I guess I changed without noticing it.
And it will be weird to get all my stuff unpacked and back in places.
Because so many places are taken where I don't know if the stuff's still worth it.
Or what should replace things.
Going to England was easy.
I came into an empty room and built up my own world.
Now the room I came into wasn't empty; it was full of my old life and right now I just don't know how to put all these old and new things together.
But I hope I'll find out soon.

This entry is soooo melodramatic and everything.
Sorry for that.
Just felt good writing it down.
Why it's in English? Don't know actually.
Maybe I still refuse to speak German.
Maybe it's because I still think that expressing myself in English is much easier than in German.
Dunno.

Love,
Bii
xxx

29.1.09 02:56
 


bisher 1 Kommentar(e)     TrackBack-URL


Bev / Website (11.3.09 12:42)
It isn't melodramatic at all :-) Maybe one of the best blogs I've read in ages.

I thought of some of Allie Keys quotes when I read this...

"Russell Keys was very glad to be coming home. There were things that had happened to him and he knew that he was not the same person he had been when he left. He had changed and he wondered about all the things here at home that might have changed, too, while he'd been away. But sometimes when you go somewhere far away and then come back, the part that bothers you the most is not the things that have changed but the way that other things have stayed the same, like you hadn't been anywhere or done anything at all. The kids would still play ball in the vacant lot where he and his friends had played every summer. The high-school band would still play every Friday night in the park downtown, and old Mrs. Parker would still be waiting when the kids came home from school, to yell at them if they stepped on her flowers. All of that might still be the same, but he was different, and so nothing would really be the same at all."

:-)

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